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Nazamroth
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PostSubject: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-21, 08:10

Naz writing stuff out of boredom.  Note: i own none of the artwork i may use. They are there purely for illustration purposes, and i use whatever i can find within a reasonable amount of time.And yes, i know its often unoriginal and inaccurate... Again, i dont have all day to look for stuff... Well, i do but im lazy...

Due to structural changes, the story will be continued here.
The previoous episodes can be found here:
http://warhammerrejects.forumc.net/t175-introduction
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Faelwen

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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-21, 08:54

OOC I must say, if you ever started a company under the name "Nazamroth" foreigners would probably go:
"Nazamroth? What kind of name is that?"
"Must be Asian or something"
"Sounds about right"
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-21, 17:40

Considering that i generated this name pseudorandomly with the setting "Dragons, pern age" or something like that, i think pretty much everyone would count as a foreigner
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-23, 19:43

After saving the last bunch of idiotsimeaninnocentlocals from their tormentor, our heroes headed off towards their destination... Not as if anyone knew where that is... Anyway, by the next day, they saw a large city on the horizon, and are now closing to it on a forest road... Little do they know...they are not alone... /dun DUN DUUUNNN/

Torg: So we get to that city, catch a surfer, definitely not a google one, and we're back on track?
Eva: i think so... Based on what we have seen so far, i dont think we are far from the Animean shoreline.
Torg: good.... Wait, do we have the funds for that?
Eva: we do get a budget, yes
Torg: good..... Hey,..... Have you seen poopfart anywhere?
Eva: ....now that you mention it... Not since he went to take a leak... He said he would catch up... Should we go back and look for him?
Torg: nah, he probably just had a bit of a disagreement with the bat meat for breakfast
Eva: i told you that thing is not safe to eat...
Torg: bullshit, its perf
/At that moment, a bolt of... Well, its more like a frikkin laser beam of energy suddenly starts closing towards them from further down the road. Being the badass that he is, Torg dives to the side, dragging the less-than-quick-to-react Eva with him, barely dodging the shot and falling to the ground... Though it still singes them.../
Torg: who the hell was that...
Eva: who cares?! WHAT was that?!
???: Impressive... Then again, you *were* the ones who defeated my master... I should expect no less...
/Getting up, they see a robed person on the road, a hood over his head/
Torg: okay, who the hell are you?
???: My name is Byakumaru, apprentice of Kiyoshu... Or at least i was, until some meddling adventurers somehow managed to kill him recently...
Torg: oh....waaaaiiiitaminute... Whos this "Kiyoshu"?
Byakumaru: please, you think i am so naïve?
Torg: i actually dont remember killing that guy...
Eva: ....seriously? You two killed him just yesterday... Speaking of which... What did you do to Cole?!
Byakumaru: Ah, yes, the third one... I have not yet done anything to him, but rest assured, once i am finished with the two of you, i will spend plenty of time ....."entertaining" him...
Torg: well, more XP and loot for me, i guess...
Byakumaru(Byak, in the followings... His name is too damn long!): Come, and meet your maker...
Torg: /charges, shouting:/ LEEEEEROOOOOYYY JEEEEENKIIIINSSS!!!
Eva: What kind of warcry is that?!
Torg: /CQCing/ Shut up, its a traditional warcry!
Byak: /deflecting with ease... Apparently, those robes are armor grade.... Damn enchantments make everything so counterintuitive!/ Amusing... However, surely you can do better than this...
Torg: will this do? /swings at his neck with his sword. Even though his opponent does not actually defend himself, the blow is stopped as soon as it connects, dealing no damage/
Byak: unfortunately, no... Unfortunately for you, that is... /Punches him and send him flying into a tree with enough force to break it/ ... I have no idea how such weaklings could kill my master...
Torg: /grunting/ ...what the bloody hell enchantment is on those robes?! They have more armor than my armor!
Byak: enchantments? Do not insult me... These are but robes.. I have no need of enchantments... It is merely that i am so much ytronger than you are...
Torg: yeah, sure... Flame Surge! /Does that/ .....shit, now im doing it too... This thing must be infectious...
/As the flames disappear, Byakumaru is still standing there unharmed/
Byak: ...is that all?
Torg: ....Well, shit...
Meanwhile, Eva is wildly theorizing... And comes to a conclusion...
Eva: Torg, we need something to run really fast!
Torg: what? Why? You want to bail already?
Eva: That guy has Plot Armor! You cant beat him now! Its impossible!
Torg: Stop joking... Plot Armor doesnt exist... Here, ill prove it... Vaal Spark! Shit, i need to stop doing this!
/A hundreds of ball lightings are fired from him in all directions, moving randomly. Quite a few hit Byakumaru, who still stands unphased/
Byak: was that some secret technique, perhaps?
Torg: ....right, what was your plan again?
Eva: move fast thing!
Torg: /produces a flask/ quicksilver flask. Good thing i keep it filled. Gives huge speed boost for a short time. Has about two swigs in it.
/Takes a swig, then hands it to Eva who dies the same/ Okay, now what?
Eva: RUN!
/She speeds off in the direction of the city, the two combatants staring at her dust trail/
Torg: ....well..... Cant really argue with that... Seeya! /Runs off after her/
Byak: ....how did these defeat Kiyoshu...

----------  At the city gates ----------

When the get there, the flasks effects finally run out.
Eva: well, that was effective...
Torg: thats why i keep it on me... Now what?
Eva: we proceed with the plan.... I think... If he captured Cole, we cant do much...
Torg: You realise that hes gonna kill us if we bail on him, right?
Eva: ill just say it was your idea
Torg: ....lovely... Lets get going...
/They enter the city. Soon...very soon, they notice how strange it is.../
Torg: ...you notice something...odd...about these people?
Eva: ...what do you mean?
Torg: ...well.... Now that i have time to properly inspect them.... Strangely large and sparkly and colorful eyes... Big heads... Everyones hair is some unnatural color...
Eva: thats what the people of the Animean Empire are like.
Torg: ...i mean... How.... Why...
Eva: well, it would seem that theres something here... A curse... A disease... No one knows for sure... Anyway, inside the empire, eventually everything ends up being...animefied, if you will... Thats why no one ever conquered them... Because when they did, it just became the Animean Empire again after a while...
Torg: Wait, thats why i keep shouting attack names?!
Eva: erm...maybe? I dont know...
Torg: and why didnt you watn us before we came here?!
Eva: well, its not like i planned to spend more than a day here... But then someone got us tossed out of the surfer!
Torg: ...which way is the station?
Eva: /points and goes, followed by Torg/ I should probably warn you though. According to my data, in the large cities of the Animean Empire, 95% of the population falls into at least one of three categories
Torg: namely?
Eva: Schoolgirl, Tentacle Monster, Gang Rapist...
Torg: .....i think you should be more worried...
Eva: i am! Thats why im warning you to be careful and guard me!
Torg: ...right...


Meanwhile, several kilometers back, in an outhouse in the forest, a lone soldier is getting more and more desperate...
Cole: ....right, i get it... Dont eat dead bats in the future.... Its my fault that i had to use this place in the first place.... BUT WHO THE HELL DOESNT LEAVE TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET?! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE!!!!




Next time, on The Internet Chronicles... A special christmas episode! ....unless i forget to do it...
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Sir BushWookie

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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-23, 22:21

"Schoolgirl, tentacle monster, gang rapist" XD
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-24, 19:01

On their way to the station, Eva and Torg encounter a rather large crowd. Trying to find out what the fuss is about... And since their destination lies on the other side, they push through it. In the middle, is some kind of red sleigh with a crazy rocket system rigged to it, a huge bag in the back... It seems to have seen better days.... Near it, is a man clad in red clothes with white fur trim, seemingly tinkering with it.
???: /semi singing, smoker voice/ oh, the weather outside is delightful, but this fire in my sleigh is frightful... /Theres an explosion, scattering pieces of the machinery, and forcing the crowd back./ Dammit!... Where did all my elves go?! /Spots Torg/ Hey, you! I mean Ho Ho... These presents wont deliver themselves...and I...cant actually deliver them either right now...sleigh problems...please help...
Torg: /looks around/ ....me?
Santa(like we dont all know who it is....): yeah, you! Some naughty locals damaged my sleigh, and now i need help putting it all back together before the whole thing explodes, and christmas is ruined!
Torg: ...i cant fix this
Santa: just get me the pieces that just got blown off! Move it!
Torg: ....right... /Starts running around, collecting almost glowing hot pieces of metal.../
Santa: the sleigh is running out of time! I really ho ho hope you can pick up the pace!
Torg: ...damn old guy has some nerves... Where did you even get all those presents from?!
Santa: christmas is the time of giving, and it was so nice of those bandits to... "give" me all these wonderful presents to deliver. Now hurry up and help me spread the joy of christmas!
Torg: /hands him another part/ thats the last one...i think
Santa: The sleigh is fixed, christmas is saved! /Weapons fire and sounds of combat from a bit further away/ The presents! We have incoming thieves! Protect the presents at all costs! I have moved them off the naughty list, to the kill-on-sight list.
Torg: now thats more like my expertise... /Gets out sword and shield... Santa gets a combined rocket launcher-machine gun from his sleigh/ You said you spread joy! What the hells with that rocket launcher?!
Santa: its not a rocket launcher, its a cheercannon! I spread joy, and cheer, with extreme prejudice.
/Fighting ensues/
Santa: Bet you didnt think Santa was real... I was like you once... And then i found myself...
Torg: sure... Mr. Enlightened...
Santa: Ho ho... You know, i used a thieves life...i mean, i still do... But stealing from stealers is a double negative, so its cool, right?
Torg: how should i know?! .... Finally...they seem to have given up...
Santa: We got them! Christmas is saved! Good job my holiday warrior!
/After bidding farewell, he gets on his sleigh and flies off/
Torg: ....what a creepy guy...
Eva: ...he could have at least given us a ride...
Torg: ...well.... Too late now... /A young (well, everyone looks young in this place, so who knows...) woman taps on his shoulder and as he turns, hands him a small wrapped present/
Woman: ..its...not like i like you or anything... Just a reward for helping out... /Quickly disappears into a sidestreet/
Torg: .....what the hell was that...
Eva: i think it is called being a "tsundere"... Guess you impressed the locals?
Torg: ..../opens it... Inside, theres a small tin star/ ....a badge, i guess...? Meh, why not. I have some emty inventory space right now anyway...
Eva: lets just get going... Before more weirdness happens..
Torg: agreed...

---------- At the station ---------

Torg: ....you must be kidding me...
Eva: ....nope. We just missed all the flights... Except for an Internet Explorer, and a Chrome, theres nothing for a week...
Torg: we are NOT flying with google again! Thats out of the question!
Eva: then, unless you intend to wait a week here, its the explorer...
Torg: Like hell am i gonna wait a week here! By the end of it, i bet im gonna call walking, something like "stride of the gods"...
Eva: explorer it is, then...
Torg: this aint gonna end pretty...
Eva: and we still have to find Cole somehow...
Torg: nah, ive taken care of that. Hes gonna find us
Eva: ....do i even want to ask at this point?
Torg: ....eeeeh.... Probably not... Lets just get this over with...
Eva: im gonna go do the paperwork...
/An hour later, they are waiting liftoff on board the surfer.......2 hours later, still waiting... /
Torg: ....i hate explorers....
Eva: you are the one who kept complaining about chromes...
Torg: /grumbling/...and no one flies with explorers anyway! Look! We're the only ones here!
Eva: /shrugs/ less inconvenience...
/Takeoff!/
Torg: finally...
Eva: so i estimate we will be at the shore in a few hours
Torg: make that a day with this lump of junk...
Eva: the ship should still be there, waiting for us... It was contracted for us by the cat council, so it shouldnt have left...
Torg: yeah, ill just catch some sleep until then...
Eva: good idea...
/Several hours of sleep later, they are woken up by a rather rough flight/
Torg: what the hells going on again...
Eva: ...i dont know, but idont like the sound of it...
Crew member: please excuse us for the inconvenience, but im afraid we are going to crash.
Torg: What?!
C. M.: unfortunately, the crafts navigation system produced...less than adequate results... As a consequence, we are currently several hundred kilometers out over the ocean, and ran out of fuel...
Eva: ....What?! How could you get lost tbat much?! What navigation system did you use, a potato?!
C. M.: Bing, of course.
Eva: ..... I cant even comment on that...
C. M.: Do you wish to file a complaint and send it in a crash report?
Torg: i dont think theres time for that... The water is dangerously close, and closing fast!
Eva: Torg, if we survive this, im gonna kill you!
Torg: what?! Why?! Oh, the chrome thing...
/Impact.../

---------- Meanwhile, somewhere in the Animean Empire... ----------

...a lone soldier,  now with a clean, though itching and burning ass (kids, dont use random leaves if you dont have paper...), is closing to the city, wondering where the rest of his party disappeared to... Then he sees a banner, depicting a "poop-fart" on the tallest building of the city...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-30, 20:24

After climbing to the top of the tower, Cole removes the banner, and reads the note left at its base.

"Dear Poopfart,
Our hearts were struck with sadness when we heard that you were captured by that guy. Dont worry, we'll see this quest through in your honor. I'll make sure to collect all the XP in your name.
Should you manage to escape, we took a surfer to our original destination. I'll leave behind a banner before leaving. Just so you cant say I'm unfair..."

Cole: ..../eyes furrow/.......captured? Thats news...
/After a trip to the station/
Cole: ....excuse me? Have you seen a guy in big blue armor and a smallish woman pass through here recently?
Employee: ....oh those two! They were strange...
Cole: ...definitely...
Employee: They instantly booked two places for an Explorer!
Cole: wait what?! Why would they do that?!
Employee: yeah, i was thinking the same. There was even a brand new Chrome about to leave too!
Cole: well that explains a lot... Guess ill just have to go after them... Considering explorers, i might even arrive sooner...
Employee: thats most likely. They crashed.
Cole: ...why am i not suprised.... Where?
Employee: somewhere in the Sea of Tentacle Monsters, from what i heard...
Cole: ....this isnt gonna end well...
(Note: no, this isnt gonna be a HUE part...)

---------- Meanwhile, somewhere on the sea of tentacle monsters... ----------

Torg slowly comes to, still dizzy from the impact.... Opening his eyes, he realizes that he is on a ship... A bit more observation and he also concludes that this is most likely a pirate ship... The bones and skull flag is kind of a dead giveaway... Then he realizes that he cant see Eva, gets up and starts stumbling around, quickly attracting attention... An eyepatched, wood legged, hook handed pirate with an epic black beard, a pet monkey on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a classic pirate hat on his head, goes over to him
(editorial note: excuse the author for his terrible pirate speech. He is more used to formal speech and is largely improvising mistakes...)
Pirate: Unsure on yer feet, lubber?
Torg: ...what?
Pirate: what what?! You had some grog already?!
Torg: grog?
Pirate: you must be the muscle for yer beauty...
Torg: ....Eva? Is she alright?
Pirate: /points at a pile of nets in which she seems to be sleeping(clothes intact! No hue involved!)/ woke up before ya! Was mumbling about the things she saw before we picked ya up.... Drank a full bottle of grog after getting here... Then passed out!
Torg: ...right.... And just what do we owe to our dear saviors for this?
Pirate: oh, im sure we can make a deal...
/From the crows nest/: capt'n! Ship approaching!
Captain(previous pirate): What flag?
C.N.: .....uuuhm.... It be the grammar nazis!
Captain: Curse those bilge rats and their superior ships!
Torg: ...what?
Captain: listen up, yer scurvy rats! I dont wanna hear a single grammar mistake until them grammar nazis are two seas away! And load the cannons, just in case!
Crew: aye aye, cap'n!
Captain: i said no mistakes!
Torg: ...whats going on?
Captain: well, you see, we like talking like we do... They dont like people talking like we do... So they took their big metal ships and started shooting everyone who talks like we do... So talk properly when they get here!
Torg: ...riiight...
Crew: cannons be loaded, cap'n!
Captain: cannons ARE loaded!
/Meanwhile, the Grammar Nazi ship got close as hell, and are observing the pirates as they are passing by... And listening... Choosing the safest option, the pirates remain silent... Then suddenly, breaking the silence painfully obviously.../
Eva: ....maaaan....head hurts.... Anyone has any painkillers?
/The pirates' faces change to shocked... As the Grammar Nazi ship starts steering closer and aims its turrets... At the captains signals, a bunch of crewmen quickly cover Eva in the nets and instruct ber to stay silent... Meanwhile, the Nazis begin to board the ship.../
G.N.: Who is the commander on this ship?
Captain: I am...
G.N.: Captain, we could not help but overhear someone using distinctly faulty grammar on this ship... A female someone, to be precise...
Captain: That is obviously not possible... There is no female in my crew...
G.N.: /pacing around the deck/ ...we will see... /Spots a bit of movement under the nets in question/ Ahha! Hiding under the nets, i see! /Aims pistol/
Torg: ....wait... Who is hiding in the nets?
Captain: indeed... Is she hiding there? Or is it you? Or what?
G.N.: ..../realization settles on his face... He reaims the pistol at his head and fires/
Torg: ....that...may have been a bit of an overreaction...
/Two other G.N. crew members come over and take the body away, then the ship leaves/
Captain: well that was too close for comfort... Now back to work! I want to be in the Piratebay by sunset!
Crew: aye aye, cap'n!
Torg: ...the Piratebay?
Captain: oh its a lovely place... 'Tis where all the righteously plundered booty gets shared. The most wretched hive of scum and villainy! Yer gonna love it!
Eva: /having struggle out of the nets/ .....what just happened...
Torg: dont ask...

/Cut to arrival/

The ship docks in the harbor and the duo disembarks... Around them, theres everything for sale... I mean everything...
Eva: ....wait... I know this place....
Torg: you do?
Eva: yes! This is on the other side of the sea!
Torg: ....so...we're still on track?
Eva: ...kind of... We have to cross the wildlands to get anywhere...
Torg: thats bad, i assume?
Eva: very...
Torg: great... Well, as far as i can tell, you can buy pretty much anything here... Might be a good idea to gear yourself up...
Eva: ...me?
Torg: yep... At least so i can focus more on bashing heads in and less on defending you... Especially now that Poopfart is out...
Eva: ....maybe...


Alright people! If theres anyone still reading this, im now taking suggestions on what gear, if any, to get her!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2014-12-31, 23:10

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That was...I have no words, aside from complimenting your clever implementation of the Grammar Nazis. Good job, good sir! Anyway, in regards to gear for Eva, I suggest the following:

Weapon: Something ranged, since Cole isn't with them right now. Of course, that being said if the weapon is some sort of projectile it would have to be low caliber, as Eva doesn't strike me as someone who has experience firing a rifle or larger weapon type. On the other hand, if there is a large amount of gear available for purchase, the most prudent choice may be some sort of laser pistol, as a laser weapon would lack recoil and wouldn't be a problem for Eva to fire as it would literally be point and shoot.

Armor: Something light, since she doesn't strike me as the type for heavy plate armor or a Kevlar vest or other form of ballistic armor. That's all I've got really. The "type" of armor is a bit harder to define here. If she goes for something medieval it'll probably be some sort of leather armor. If it's a bit more modern...that's tougher because there aren't a lot of "light" armors these days that are good for stopping anything but a pistol round or two. Same problem if it's some sort of sci-fi armor, but sci-fi armor may have a bit more leeway depending on where it originated (IE: 40k, ME, Sword of the Stars, etc).
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-04, 17:10

The grammer nazis

10/10

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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 19:29

Now... Lets see if i managed to mess up the BB codes while writing this...
Foreword: i used a random number generator to determine what kind(fantasy, modern, sci-fi, etc) of gear Evaline gets, armor and weapon both, and i consistently got the results you will see... The Dice Gods let their will be known, and a mere mortal like my humble self has no authority to question it...


Torg: okay, lets just keep you as far away from harms way as possible... Youre not exactly built for melee...
Eva: i agr... Did you just call me weak?
Torg: yep. Ranged weapon it is then! ....how big is your mana pool?
Eva: exactly.... Zero...nuku...nada...rien...mu kachi...líng...nil...nichts...
Torg: .....iiii..... Understood one of those...
Eva: congratulations...
Torg: okay, no magical weaponry then... Well, too bad Poop aint here 'cause we're gonna go shopping for some guns...
/One montage of hoarding later, the list shortens to a few... "possibilities".../
Eva: .....you must be kidding me...
Torg: ...what? I even made sure to choose the small ones...
Eva: Then how big are the large ones?! /Torg motions at the AA gun in the back of the shop/ .....forget i asked...
/In front of her is a selection of the following weapons.../
Spoiler:
 

Eva: How am i even supposed to lift these?! That ones a frikkin minigun! Its supposed to be fixed in place because its so goddamn heavy!
Torg: fret not! I chose the handheld version, see? /Demonstrates/ They even give you the ammo backpack for free! Its a bargain!
Eva: it would be a bargain if i could even lift the damn thing! And whats this suppoyed to be?!
Torg: A long range rifle, so you can stay as far away as possible!
Eva: i can barely even lift it! And if i fired it, it would tear my arm off on the first shot, you moron!
Torg: /grumbles/ geez, look whos on her period...
Eva: did you say something?!
Torging: nope...
Eva: good! ....at least that pistol is somewhat reasonably sized... But why the hell does it have a grenade launcher...
Torg: read the description
Eva: ...../opens manual/ ...."....for the time when you absolutely, positively need that motherfucker dead." ......im not even suprised anymore.../looks up/ ....why are those kids trying to use those assault rifles... Thats dangerous....
Torg: agreed... /Goes over/....okay, young ones.... Like it or not, kids are not meant to be playing with rifles...or even pistols... The recoil and weight are both too large for you and you could injure or kill yourselves or others. Children are much better suited for crew served weapons. Their stationary nature compensates for you undeveloped physique, and they also improve teamwork. Go, play with those mortars instead. Shoo, shoo.
/As they start dummaging through the ammo crates, Torg heads back to Eva/
Torg: well, thats taken care of. So, hows the pistol?
Eva: ...........im..... Barely even suprised at this anymore... I think thats the scariest part....
Torg: ...soo...dont like it?
Eva: /snapping out of it/ no, i dont like it... It could easily break my wrist if i tried using it...
Torg: fine! Then you go choose something!
Eva: ...that is actually the best idea you had today...
/2 hours and a few dozen weapon merchants later/
Torg: .......this....is your choice over what i found...
Eva: /showing her brand new MP5/ yep.
Torg: ....why?
Eva: maybe, just maybe, because it doesnt break a dozen of my bones every time i fire it, and i can move it around without much effort?
Torg: ...but.... It so.... Small.... How can this kill a dragon?
Eva: it cant! Thats why you are here, dumbass!
Torg: ....sure...
Eva: the only problem is, guns run out of ammo...
Torg: oh that? Here, use this. /Hands her a small object/
Eva: and this is...?
Torg: a support mod. It replenishes ammo over time. You never wondered how poopfart never runs out?
Eva: ...how does that even work?
Torg: no idea. It just does.
Eva: ....oh.... Where did you get it?
Torg: i...procured it from the ammo pack of that minigun... Those things eat ammo like crazy so they usually sell them with these...
Eva: ....sure, why not...we're in the Piratebay... Act like the locals...
Torg: oh yeah, and you will take this too. /Hands her the revolver/
Eva: dont start this again...
Torg: You can thank me when you need to penetrate the skull of a troll or whatever...
Eva: fine, whatever... Lets just get moving already. /Puts it in backpack/
Torg: a'right, now fomes the defense! To the armourers!
/One trip later, a merchant is presenting his wares/
M.: as you can see, we have a fine and wide selection of female armors for all classes and tastes!
/Chain bikini, plate bikini, leather bikini, etc... You get the idea/
Eva: ....erm...isnt there something a bit more...
M.: yes?
Eva: ...oh...i dunno... Substantial?
M.: ah, you would prefer heavy armor! Of course we have some!
Eva: /sigh of relief/
/Opens another wardrobe. Inside are the heavy armors... Theyre basically the light armors plus vambraces, leg protection, and even a few pauldrons(!)/
Eva: ....perhaps a superheavy category?
M.: oh, dont be too quick to judge. Its not the material that matters, but the enchantments! We like to save on the extra material, you see... If you direct your attention to the testing field, you'll see one of our armor sets in action... As well as one of our competitors, apparently...

Spoiler:
 

Torg: .......ill take one of those... XL size...
Eva: No you dont! That image would forever be burned on my retina!
Torg: if i take an arrow in the knee, ill blame you!
Eva: still better. Now, i want to check the men's section!
/Gasps of shock from all around/
M.: ....adventurers these days... Fine... The customer is always right, after all... This way....
/an hour of choosing later/
Eva: ....alright, that should be all... /Murmurs of "finally" and similar things/ Does someone want to say something?! /Crickets/ Good! /Grumbling/ sexist pigs...
M.: /clears throat/ ...so... A light scalemail with endurance and elementale resistance enchantments... A pair of vambraces with accuracy enchantments... Leg armor(i dont know a name for that, sorry)i dont mean only the sabaton)) with speed and health enchantments... Anything else?
Eva: no. That will be all.
/After they leave/
Everyone there: ...finally...

Eva: are we done yet?
Torg: unless you want a warhammer or something...
Eva: ...i swear, im gonna get one just to hit you with it...


---------- Meanwhile, somewhere on the sea of tentacle monsters ----------

/Cole enters the bridge of the aircraft carrier/
Captain: /salutes/ Colonel Poopfart
Cole: /salutes/ Captain Ballsdeep
Ballsdeep: welcome aboard. We are about to commence operation "Democracy Storm".
Cole: I am grateful for your assistance.
Ballsdeep: We were going to wipe out these creatures sooner or later anyway.
Cole: i do need a few live prisoners though...
Ballsdeep: we'll see what remains.
Crewman: captain, all ships reports that the depths charges are ready.
Ballsdeep: Commence the attack!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 19:37

Captain BallsDeep...Operation Democracy storm... XD hahahahahahahaha, this chapter just made my day!

Oh god the armour *uncontrollable laughter*

Keep it up Naz, this is fantastic!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 20:37

I agree with Wookie in every way. I also especially love how all the FPS player types thus far are somewhere between CoD and Battlefield players. And the armors...damn it just...damn it...why is it that in most RPGs, female armor is so...skimpy? At least the makeshift armors of the Fallout games have an excuse but it bugs me to no end in games like Skyrim...

And Eva getting an MP5...well...it's low caliber so it SHOULD work fine for her, assuming she fires in single shots or short, controlled bursts. Also, Nazamroth, are you open to character suggestions? Just had a thought that may add another aspect of internet gaming to the group, and possible hilarity as Cole's rival.
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 20:45

Well, at least i will listen to the character suggestion...or read it anyway...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 20:46

Also, i intended the children with the weapons as a larger joke, but everyones occupied with ballsdeep and operation democracy storm XD
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 21:00

1) Well, honestly, the "kids with weapons" thing just seemed odd to me. It didn't make me even crack a small grin. Probably just my overly logical part not finding humor in the idea of kids with mortars.

2) Well, if you'll at least read character suggestions, then perhaps you may consider adding a character that's representative of tactical shooter players (IE: People who play things like Rainbow Six, Interstellar Marines, STALKER: CoP with MISERY installed with the Les Miserables rebalance, etc). Basically, it works like this: if they shoot something and their weapon can penetrate a creature's armor/hide, it'll like deal a realistic amount of damage, but this character would either be an absolute glass cannon or damn near unstoppable depending on the situation. Basically, if he's up against guys that are equipped like him, at best, his armor will stop a couple to a few shots before one round penetrates it, but the bad guys will suffer the same problem. If he's up against guys with lower end gear, they may not even be able to hurt him because his armor stops the attack completely. Example: If they shoot him with a low end pistol, the most damage they may do is inflict a bruise or light bleeding. And if someone tires to stab him with a longsword (if they got close enough that is) the sword wouldn't be likely to penetrate as medieval weapons are worthless against modern armor. Such a character may also be a good foil to Cole and Torg, as where the latter two rush in, this character approaches things with a much cooler, intelligent, and tactical approach (and I'm sure Eva would appreciate their company, considering she's basically putting up with two crazy people for the time being). That and I think it would be funny if Cole and such a character argued, largely because it seems to me that tactical/realistic players don't get along well with CoD/Battlefield players, or such games in general (and I'm speaking from experience here. I've grown to hate shooters like CoD, with the exception of Halo, but I'm absolutely enamored with Interstellar Marines and MISERY with the aforementioned rebalances).
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 21:15

.....uhm....yeeeeeaaaaahhhh.... /Bad pokerface/
...i dont know that much about tactical shooters... I played some rainbow six, and stock Stalkers, but thats pretty much it, unless i forgot something... If its the tactical shooter bit you want, i probably wont put it in(i dont want this to expand to an entire warband representing everything). If its the tactical bit you want though... Something along the lines of Deus Ex(without the sci fi stuff, most likely) style games isnt out of the question...

And hey, i liked that joke when i first read it a long time ago...
As for the MP5.... Oh, i have plans and schemes snd plots.... /Rubs hands together.../

And now, imma sleep!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-06, 21:21

Actually, tactical stuff in the vain of Deus Ex works just fine, and probably works better than what I mentioned above, especially from a comedy stand point:

Tactical: Alright, here's the plan, I'll disable the alarms while the rest of-

Torg: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!

Tactical: God damn it...

But yeah, again, Deus Ex style tactical stuff probably works better than a straight tactical shooter thing. But anyway, thanks for at least reading my ramblings and I hope you sleep well. Smile

And suddenly, knowing the people on this site, I feel bad for that little MP5 if you have plans for it...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-11, 19:38

So...i finally decided its time to write a new episode.... But i can count at least 6 things trying to run paralell in my head....only 2 of which are relevant.... Consequently, whenever i try concentrating on the new episode, one of the others push it out and takes over... And thus i cant connect the damn dots in my head and make up an episode! Damn you brain! The one time i need you and you fail me!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-13, 19:00

So, after that failed attempt the other day, lets see if i got my shit together this time...


Eva: So, can we go now? This place is full of weirdos...
Torg: what, its lovely. But yeah, i think we're pretty much done here. So, which way?
Eva: /points/ there should be a road out of this place that way. ......do you hear that?
Torg: ...yeah... Its almost like... Sirens?
/Meanwhile, all around them, a commotion is starting. Merchants are rapidly packing their goods, ships hurriedly set sail and leave, and generally everyone tries to get his ass out of sight ASAP/
Torg: /grabs a running guy/ ....yo...whats going on?
Random guy: Its the swedish police! They found the Piratebay! Pack your stuff and get on a ship! We're moving the bay to another location.
Eva: ....sounds like you had this planned already...
R. G.: this aint the first time they tried shutting us down. It always ends the same way: they raid the place, grab some stuff, we restart it somewhere else. /Shouts into the distance/ You cant stop the Piratebay, dogs! Chop off one head and two shall grow in its place! /Runs off/
Torg: well... That was interesting...
Eva: i suggest we depart before the police finds us...
Torg: excellent suggestion. Lead the way.
/Together, they make their way through the crowd, pushing, shoving, and occasionally squashing people getting in their way...well... Mainly Torg handles those things... All the while, he does not neglect the advanturers duty to loot every unguarded nook and cranny.... What a wonderful man he is... Truly a paragon of his kind... Eventually, with significant verbal and physical nudging from Eva, they reach the edge of the bay, and disappear into the forest. Behind them, only a few ships are still in the bay as the police storms the place, confiscating and pacifying left and right. High above, on the tallest tower a black flag with a white pirate ship, skull and bones on its sails, still stands proud in the wind./
Torg: /obviously encumbered by all the loot. ....also, grinning madly/ that was fun! We should do that more often!
Eva: you know, i think i reached the point past facepalming at such things... Now sort out all that crap... Even i move faster than you...
Torg: /starts going through the new loot/ well, thats little suprise... Im a tank. Im indestructible, not mobile. Oh, look! /finds a golden coin/ my 100,000th coin! /Puts it in bag/
Eva: ....wait.... You have a hundred thousand of those on you right now?
Torg: yep. Are you gonna ask why i used our funds instead of these?
Eva: no, but thats an excellent question... Screw that, how are you still moving?! That much gold weighs like....3 tons!
Torg: no it doest....
Eva: what do you mean it doesnt?! If you calculate the volume of that coin, multiply it by the density of gold, and the number of coins, thats what you get! /Torg pulls out a pouch and tosses it to her./ whats this?
Torg: 100,000 gold coins
Eva: but...its...but....why...what...
Torg: /takes bag back/ You ask too many questions.
Eva: ....why does reality always seem to be just barely held together around you two all the time?
Torg: /shrugs/

/The following hours are spent with idle chatter and walking. Eventually, they end up in a forest that could only be described as "creepy as fuck". You know, dark, ominous, cobwebby, creepy.../

Eva: ...im....not sure i like this place...
Torg: nah, its just a haunted forest... Whats the worst that could happen?
Eva: .....we could die?
Torg: yep. We could die in horrible pain... We could suffer for aeons before dying... We could be trapped by a necromancer after dying and suffer as his servants... We
Eva: okay, okay, i get it... Geez... /Scuttering from the roadside/ ...What was that?
Torg: probably some local animal... Maybe an undiscovered species... I shall name it, Dinner!
Eva: ...why do i even bother...
/Ahead of them, is some sort of large, fleshy pod on the road/
Eva: ....i think it would be wise to avoid that...thing...
Torg: that, or we could just incinerate it... Like this .../flame surges the shit out of it/ ...see?
Eva: is brute force your answer to everything?
Torg: not to the question "whats for dinner?".....usually...
Eva: .....you..../sigh/....nevermind... /Several huge bugs crawl onto the road from all around them... I mean huge... The smallest ones start at knee height.../ ........./realisation hits.... Blood curdling scream.... Full auto SMG fire.... Several perforated bugs..../ .....killthemkillthemkillthemkillthem!
Torg: /starts squashing bugs/ of course m'lady... Shall i bring a cup of tea, perhaps, while im at it...?
Eva: less joking, more bug squashing!
/The last one, at least 30 bananas in height, lunges at Torg, who meets its maw with his freshly looted sword, quickly cutting its head in half./
Torg: well, thats done with... Shall we move on?
Eva: ....uhm.... Your sword...
Torg: what about it? /Looks at sword. It is covered in small black and purple squares everywhere/ ....what the hell?
Eva: its bugged! Get rid of it, quickly!
Torg: ....what are you talking about?
Eva: that bug must have bitten it, and it got bugged, and now its completely impossible to predict what will happen if you use it, or even if you just have it on you! It could literally destroy, or corrupt the entire world!
Torg: ....badass... I shall call it... Titanbreaker...
Eva: Stop joking around! That thing is extremely dangerous!
Torg: fine, fine! Im just gonna put it in my bag and keep using my other sword... Satisfied?
Eva: were you even listening to what i just said?!
Torg: yep. /Starts walking/ you coming?
Eva: goddammit! Why dont you listen to me?! /Bends down to pick up her empty magazine. By the time she looks up, Torg disappeared without a trace/ ......Torg?......where are you? .....this isnt funny..... Torg! ....../starts looking around/.....im going to kill him myself when i find him.... /Turns around and is faced with the...well...face....of a *giant* spider.... A few seconds of shocked silence follows as the gears click into place... Then a scream that could break bulletproof glass(yeah, i know it doesnt work that way, but you get what i mean...)/
/She haphazardly "aims" the MP5 and pulls the trigger.... Unfortunately, she neglected to reload since the last bug encounter..... So no pewpewpew, or even a pew... The spider readies its fangs... With an adrenaline fuelled "fight or flight" decision, she grabs her weapon with both hands, and starts bashing the spiders head with the stock, using all her normally-insignificant might.... Now, however, there is more than enough force behind the blows to reduce the spiders head to a pulp by the time she comes down to somewhat reasonable adrenaline levels... Panting, she inspects her handiwork, making sure its properly dead, the swiftly distances herself from her unfortunate victim... Nearby, a thump on the ground draws her attention, and she sees some sort of cocoon being opened from the inside... She fumbles with reloading her weapon, intending to be ready for her enemy this time. In a few seconds, the inhabitant of the cocoon bursts out, and.... He looks rather pissed.../
Torg: Wheres that fucker?! Im gonna kick his ass so hard, he's gonna taste his own web!
Eva: ........../shocked stare/....
Torg: ...what? /Notices corpse/.....wait.... Isnt that my fucker?
Eva: ...........we..... Had a bit of a confrontation...
Torg: ..............
Eva: ............
Torg: ......remind me not to dress as a bug on halloween...


--------- Meanwhile, on the sea of tentacle monsters... ----------

/All the guns are blazing on every ship, aircraft are buzzing around everywhere, and the sea is tinged red for miles.... The remaining tentacle monsters decided to try their luck against the guns instead of the depth charges.... Bad decision... They should have watched the weather forecast... They would have known that its gonna be raining democracy today.../
/Cole is on the deck of the carrier, unleashing fire into a monster that made it onboard with a fire rate of nearly 6000 freedoms per minute(!).... Eventually, the beast falls, collapsing on the deck, close to death. Cole orders all guns to cease firing on it, and runs over, his rifle already in his hand to administer....incentive to talk.../
Cole: /as he reaches it, in a deep, coarse(?) voice(hell, batman voice/ WHERE ARE THEY?!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-13, 19:30

That was brilliant!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-13, 20:04

......im starting to feel like im being overrated for some reason.... Or youre easily impressed...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-13, 20:07

I enjoy it, plus it's a nice change from the literary porno that is GoT


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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 06:42

Greetings, Nazamroth
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 07:15

Oh crap..... i completely forgot about this.....
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 09:55

Lol, it's alright.
Even Demi-gods like us forget about things
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 10:47

Yeah, well it might not seem so, but i was kinda busy recently...
I had firefall and crusader kings to play, highschool DxD novels to read, i had to study for exams....on which my "teacher" failed me once more with bullshit reasons as i just learned..., etc, etc...
Fear not, the next episode already has a theme. Im not out of ideas just yet...

But, since my rather small audience also deserves some say in the matter, decide:
A) finish the quest before i run out of ideas and risk this ending like Warhammer U (so not ending...ever...). Then start a second season with random adventures
B) make it a never ending quest and hope that ill keep getting ideas
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 20:46

/A bunch of kids and an older looking guy are sitting around a campfire at night in a specific forest.... Incidentally, they are all insectoid in nature....or arachnid... /
"grandpa, tell me another story"
"well, alright, I shall tell you the story of the fearsome banshee that once passed through this forest.... She-Who-Screams.... She arrived to this very forest many, many years ago, on a night quite like this one... I was still barely more than a hatchling back then... The first time we met her and her companion, The-Smashy-One, they immediately attack a group of travellers... Their weapons smashed and punctured them mercilessly and they were soon reduced mashed chitin and goo... But even more fearsome, was her scream.... It could be heard for miles, and made anyone who heard it shiver..../kids wince and tremble/..... There was a guard patrolling nearby, just by accident, and he immediately tried to stop them... He swiftly captured The-Smashy-One... /Kids: ooooh/.... But then he encountered She-Who-Screams... He tried to disable her from behind, however, She-Who-Screams unleashed an even more terrifying scream that effectively paralized him... That was his downfall... Using that moment of weakness, instead of swiftly killing him like the rest of her victims, she literally beat him to a pulp... His entire head was missing when his body was found.... /Kids make disgusted faces/..... Then The-Smashy-One freed himself and they moved onwards.... None dared challange them after that.... Even so, her screams could be heard from the distance the whole night, as if she wanted to instill the terror into all of us..... Guards later found a single survivor hiding in a bush and mumbling incoherently.... Thats the only reason we know all this...."
/Wolf howls in the distance. Kids get scared/
"no need to worry... If she returns, you will know... And you had better stay clear of her way....."
"and what happened after that?"
"well, the guard received the Crimson Hourglass posthomously and stuff like that...."
....

(writers note: bugs have feelings too, you monster....)

----------back to present time....--------------


After they spent the night travelling, our heroic duo arrived to the efge of the forest on top of a high hill.
Eva: finally! I think my vocal chords are permanently damaged...
Torg: well, i did tell you that theres no need to keep screaming all night... We havent seen a single bug after the first ones....
Eva: yeah, and how do you know my screaming wasnt the only thing keeping them at bay?!
/Below them, in the velleys, explosions start all over the place/
Torg: what the hell...
Eva: who is fighting here of all places...
???: /from behind them, an overly refined voice/ the console peasants, of course...
/The both turn around and see a comedically overrefined noble character/
Torg: and you would be...?
???: that is unimportant.... But if you insist, i am a member of the glorious PC master race....
Torg: right... So you were saying...
PC: those...savages, below us are the console peasants, the Xboxians and Playstationites... They have been fighting each other for ages, the so called "Console Wars", attempting to determine which one of them is superior.... What they fail to realise, to this very day, is that they are both far inferior to the PC master race...
Torg: riiight....
Eva: wait, this is not good. We have to get to the other side of that valley! How do we do that if theres a war going on?!
Torg: wheres Poopfart and his tank when he need them?!
Eva: probably still in captivity...
Torg: nah, i doubt it. No one can endure him for this long... He is either dead, or free...
Eva: ....lovely...
PC: /sits down to a coffe table into a posh chair, sipping tea...do t ask where he got them ftom... He is with the glorious PC master race after all!/ ....well, if you insist on crossing the warzone, i dou t you will have too much problem... These...ruffians, are barely more than organized peasants...
Torg: see? we can just charge through
Eva: sophisticated as usual...
PC: well, i do advise you to be a bit more.... Refined, if you wish to live long and prosper... For starters, i would suggest waiting until dusk with your little sortie... You do look worn out, if i might say so. Here, have some tea. Earl gray, still hot.
/launch teaparty.exe/
/After resting, eating, teaing, planning, more resting, dusk draws near, and our brave adventurers begin their approach on the warzone/
/Reaching the edge of the Xboxian positions, the quickly jump into a trench....neutralizing the guards there, and moving onwards. Thanks to the trench, the massive blue guy is largely concealed, and any who notice him are swiftly silenced with well placed impacts of armored limbs... Getting to a turn in the trench, they see possibly no mans land, covered with razorwire and shits.
Eva: /whispering/ alright. We go around this corner, and there should be a path forward. Then its just a quick sprint over no mans land and we're through
Torg: right. /Turns corner and instantly bumps into someone coming in the opposite direction. He tries knocking the Xboxian like all the previous ones, but this one seems exceptionally adept at dodging.... It also seems to wear completely different clothing....(refer to attached illustration).../
Spoiler:
 

Torg: hey, mind helping me out before she raises the alarm?
Eva: /tries to aim but torg keeps getting in the way/ i thought you enjoyed fights...
Torg: well, yeah..... On second thought, lets let her raise the alarm...
???: why the hell would i do that after sneaking all the way here?!
Eva: sneaking? Wait, shes a Playstationite?
???: no im not! Now would you both shut up and stop causing a ruckus before you wake the whole camp over there?!
Eva: torg, stop punching already...
Torg: of course, miss killjoy...
???: who the hell are you two? You obviously arent locals
Torg: we're adventurers on a mighty quest for epic loot.
Eva: thats just you.... *we* are on a quest for the cheeseburger, in case you forgot...
Torg: killjoy, i say. Killjoy...
???: you can forget about the cheeseburger
Torg: .....why?
???: because im gonna get it. It would fetch quite a price on the black market. And i already know where it is exactly...
Torg: ....can i punch her now? Just until she tells us where it is...
Eva: i also know where it is, in case you forgot... Kinda...
Torg: "kinda" being the key there....
Eva: shut up... But tell me... Do you also have a buyer yet...?
???: not just yet, but im sure it wont be long before i find one
Eva: oh, is that so....? Then it would seem like we are at an advantage there....
???: how so?
Eva: well, how does the next heir of the cat kingdoms sound....?
???: like bullshit, really...
Eva: yeah, well we have an exclusive trade agreement with him... The cheeseburger for royal grade rewards... Sounds interesting...?
???: ....what are you suggesting...
Torg: ....yeah, what are you suggesting?
Eva: well, since we lost Cole, we're one man short.... We could use some capable help....
Torg: waaaaitaminuteee....
???: what, just like tha
/Suddenly, the area is flooded with light and a hundred guns are aimed at them/
Torg: ......where did all these guys come from....
???: what do you mean where did they come from?! We're in the middle of their pisition, shitforbrains!
Eva: ....yeah, well it may not have been the best of ideas to stop for a chat here of all places...
???: *may*...?
Soldier: hands in the air, PC dogs!
Torg: ....uhm....we're not PC dogs?
Soldier: yeah, sure... Thats why you spent an entire day with them observing our pisitions.... Suuureee.... Hands in the air, i said!
Eva: though i applaud your brute tankiness, torg, but it may be wise to comply with their.... request this time....

/a few minutes later, they are locked in a cell/
Torg: .....and this is where you end up if you try being sneaky.... We should have just charged through to begin with...
Both: shut up...


--------- Meanwhile, at the former piratebay ----------

/Cole finishes up his discoussion with the police. It would appear that they indeed were here, but they were not captured during the raid.... Folliwing his instincts, and the trail of broken pottery, and empty chests, he finds their tracks leading into the forest..../
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 20:47

You know how many slutassin pics i had to sift through to find a suitable one?!


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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 20:55

Nazamroth wrote:
You know how many slutassin pics i had to sift through to find a suitable one?!
given the picture provided... too much to bear without a purpose in mind
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 21:31

I honestly wish people would design sensible female characters as opposed to overly sexualised ones.

*sigh* I'm in the wrong generation aren't I?
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-01-26, 21:52

Oh, and before i go to sleep:
1. Name for ??? isnt decided yet. Im open for suggestions.
2. Notice my question posted just before this episode
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-04, 20:38

Like all great stories, ours needs a capture & escape arc as well... And with that thought in mind, our heroes, and a lowly assassin are currently in a cell under the X-boxian base... That, and because i had to fill episodes with content... Like what im doing right now. I dont actually have to think about content and an episode is still being written! Oh, the marvels of writing...
So yeah, anyway, back to the heroic duo plus one.
The three of them are chained to the floor.

Torg: .....so..... Whos bright idea was it to try to be sneaky again...?
Eva: ....i dont know when i will be unchained from here, but my first thing to do will be to hit you...
Torg: yeah, like that will do much...
Eva: i might just try to squash a bug on your head...
Torg: ......./gulps/...
???: if you two lovebirds are done, maybe we should figure out a way to escape...
Both: ....what?!
???: what what? You have been arguing like an old married couple for hours...
Both: what!?
Eva: me? With him? All he thinks about is looting, fighting, and eating, not necesserily in this order
Torg: yeah, what she said. Who are you anyway?
???: Sidone Maximilienne de LaCroix
Torg: .........thats the fanciest name i have ever heard.... Im gonna call you Sid
Sid: ....you insult me and my family
Eva: just roll with it... I told you: there is not much going on in his head... Sometimes i wonder just how much more he could handle...
Torg: excuse me? While you were arguing with me, i came up with a cunning escape plan.
Eva: i am afraid to ask, but how cunning is this plan....
Torg: its so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!
Eva: ....what?
Torg: you see that ketchup we got to make the food edible?
Sid: it did not help much...
Torg: what? it was pretty good...
Sid: it was roasted rat... They did not even bother to skin it before "cooking" it! If it was my chef's doing, his head would be in a basket right now!
Torg: wow, miss picky... Anyway, im gonna pour the ketchup into a pool, lie in it, pretend to be injured, you call the guard, he comes in to check on me, we beat him up, take the keys, then escape
Sid: this is the dumbest plan i have ever had the misfortune to hear...
Torg: /already at work/ yeah, well when we escape, ill expect an apology.... There, done. Now then... /lies down into position/ .....AAAARRGHHHHH! GUARDS! HEEELP!
Sid: ....if this works, i am going to....something...
Eva: ....even i doubt they would be this dumb... I mean you can smell the ketchup....
Guard: /descends the stairs/ ....what the hells all this screaming?! /Sees scene/ .....Fuck! They wanted them alive! /Fumbles with door key... Then opens cell and enters/ what the hell happened to him?! /Smack on th head/
Sid: /after knocking the guard out/ ....no way this worked...
Eva: believe me, nothing is impossible with this guy around... Now lets get the key and get out of here...
Sid: /...........rummages through the guards clothes and gear/....he does not have another key...
Torg: what?!
Sid: he only has the door key...
Torg: you must be kidding me...
Eva: yeah, so now we have an unconscious guard on our hands too... What now?
Sid: if i still had my gear, it would be childsplay to open these locks...
Torg: yeah, they took my whole inventory too... Wait... This wasnt here before...
Eva: ...what are you talking about?
Torg: Titanbreaker. Its in my inventory again. Im pretty sure they took that too...
Eva: oh, no... Dont you dare take that thing out of there! I told you to get rid of it!
Sid: ....what are you two talking about?
Torg: this. /Equips the bugged sword covered in black and purple squares/
Eva: put that thing away!
Sid: .....what is that? And why does she look like she just saw a ghost?
Eva: its bugged! Theres absolutely no telling what will happen if he uses it!
Torg: well, does either of you you have a better plan?
Eva: a better plan than possibly destroying the world?! Definitely!
From upstairs: Steve? Everything alright down there?
Torg: ....Screw it, whats the worst that could happen... /Hits chains with Titanbreaker. An extremely bright flash of light forces them to close their eyes/


/Meanwhile, on the surface, a lone Poopfart is making his way through the base, heading straight for the prison area. All around him artillery shells and aircraft bombs shower the area, causing chaos and mayhem./


/Meanwhile, not so far away, in a specific underground cell, the light fades. The chains on our heroes have crumbled into dust./
Eva: /starts blinking/ .....are we dead...?
Sid: /from her left/ what the hell just happened...
Eva: i told yout it is not safe to use that thing.... /Looks her way......blinks a few more times with a "dafuq" face. Sid is now in a rather skimpy and revealing, so called "slutassin" outfit/.......what...the....hell....
Sid: what? /Finally sees again after the brightness. Sees Eva in a previously discoussed "heavy" female "armor"/..... What the hell...
Eva: ..../starts looking for Torg. Finds him picking himself up from the ground.... Worst of all, he is wearing nothing but chain thongs..../ ........../shocked stare/........
Torg: .....what? ....wait.... When did you two change?
Eva: /snaps, and pins Torg to the ground, trying to strangle him with her bare hands/ what did i tell you?! Im gonna kill you for this!
Torg: Sid? Some help here? Please?
Sid: ....of course... /Walks over to them... Then firmly and surely applies pressure rapidly with her foot upon his....family jewels/
Torg: /opera in soprano/
Sid: say my name! I *might* be lenient with revenge if you get it right....
...
???: .......what the bloody hell is going on here...
/Everyone directs his/her attention towards the stairs, where a rather shocked Cole is slowly lowering his gun/
Torg: Poopfart! You escaped!
Sid: ...who?
Cole: ......i.....came to rescue you two..... Uhm..... Didnt expect a S&M dungeon though...... Didnt know you were into this stuff....
Torg: shut up.and rescue me already!
Eva: We're still not done with this! Just wait until we get out of this mess....
/They all get up/
Torg: now, if only we had our stuff back... Or i could just use Titanbreaker to make our way out
Both women: NO!
Cole: well, whatever Titanbreaker is, i got your stuff back... The guard was even kind enough to tell me where to find you....after a bit of....persuasion.... Gear up and get ready.... And for fucks sake, Torg... Put some damn clothes on...
Torg: very funny...
/A bit of gearing later./
Torg: at least our stuff just got moved to the inventory by whatever happened...
Sid: you would be dead if it got lost... This outfit cost me a small fortune...
Cole: enough chitchat. Move out.

/On the surface, its chaos and mayhem. It seems the Playstationite army decided to exploit the ruckus caused by Cole's rescue mission, and is now charging the Xboxian lines en-masse/
Torg: ....okay, i have another cunning plan...
Sid: ....not again...
Torg: Run for the hills!
Eva: they are coming from the hills, moron!
Torg: Run away from the hills! Away from the hills!
Sid: The cheeseburger is in the hills though...
Everyone: ....it is?!
Sid: yeah.... You didnt know?
Eva: ....o-of course i knew! Rum for the hills!



Writers notes:
Yeah, no one proposed a name, so random generator it is...
No, im not gonna write her as being too french...y.... LaCroix was just a name that randomly came to my mind from a game and it sounded frenchish to me... Im not even entirely sure if its a correctly structured name...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-04, 20:47

OOC: heh, now all we need is a playstationite to join the posse and have the slutassin fall in love with him.
..........why are you looking at me like that?

It could add a whole new dimension as they fight and argue about the superior console whilst slowly falling for the other, before they realise what's going on and try to live through the console wars whilst desperately trying to avoid their faction finding out about their relationship


Last edited by Sir_BushWookie on 2015-02-04, 21:02; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-04, 20:50

No one ever said that she is Playstationite. Also, as i said, the "event" just moved their original clothes/armor to their inventory. They re-equipped it so she no longer looks like a slutassin
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-04, 21:02

Ah...I buggered up!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-07, 02:44

This...was hilarious....and if that's the LEAST of Titanbreaker's effects....I'm afraid to see what a major bug would be...And I see Cole went CoD on the Xboxians, oh the irony.
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-10, 20:24

Our heroic party of mass murderers, warmongers, thieves, and assassins is making its way through the wartorn Xboxian positions, sorrounded by explosions, flying limbs, and some moe explosions. As they close to the frontlines between the desperate Xboxian defenders, and the attacking Playstationites, they briefly stop in a foxhole to rest and strategise.

Torg: i say we charge through.
Cole: i agree.
Torg: its decided then. Saddle up, men! At dawn, we ride!
Sid: what do you mean its decided?! Thats the dumbest plan i have ever heard! And who voted you leader in the first place?! If anyone, i should lead us through this! You cant just plough through two armies like that!
Torg: .....wanna bet?
Cole: whos the newbie anyway?
Sid: the "newbie", as you oh so elequently put it, is Sidone Maximilienne de LaCroix.
Torg: Or Sid for short.
Sid: no, it is not Sid for short, you worthless grunt!
Cole: Sid will do. Now if you must interrupt the strategy meeting, would you care to add something substantial to it?
Sid: I am going to murder both of you in your sleep....
Cole: noted, though kinda unrelated for the purpose of this meeting... Just study me, and youll be a somewhat decent soldier in no time.
Sid: /to Eva/ how in the name of whatever god do you handle these idiots?! Why would you even use servants so stupid?!
Eva: they were all we had when we needed some...
Sid: Splendid! So now how do we get out without these muscleheads getting us all killed?!
Eva: .....Sit back an watch, mostly....
Sid: ....what?
Eva: hey, i heard some soldiers say that theres some kind of boss leading the Playstationites from the back lines. Supposedly really high level...
Sid: ....what the hell are you tal /sounds of shuffling from behind. Looks there. The guys are gone./ ....so.... They are the distraction while we sneak by?
Eva: not quite....
/A few seconds later, even greater sounds of death and destruction can be heard, though getting ever farther. The due leaves the foxhole to observe the devastation wreaked by the two muscleheads/
Eva: ....just follow the trail of destruction and looted bodies...
/They start moving after the other duo, meeting little resistance in the wake of two humanoid natural disasters./
Sid: .....are they even human?
Eva: at this point, i have my doubts about that...
Sid: and you are not even suprised at this?!
Eva: at this point, i doubt either of them could do anything to suprise me anymore..... I shouldnt have said that....i should not have said that...

/Eventually, the cross over to the Playstationite side, then to their back lines, where they encounter two idiots sifting through their respective piles of loot/
Torg: /noticing them/ hey, you said its high level stuff! This is all crap!
Eva: i said i heard it from a soldier. Blame him, not me.
Sid: he probably killed him by now anyway...
Eva: now, could we get a move on?
/Everyone shrugs, and they head into the hills, leaving behind a rather postapocaliptic landscape/

/Several hours later, somewhere in the hills, walking through the dense forest/
Torg: so how did you escape from that guy anyway?
Cole: escape? From what guy?
Torg: the one who captured you. Whatshisname.
Cole: i wasnt captured by anyone. You two assholes just left me behind in a toilet without paper! *You* were captured!
Sid: what a fascinating story...
Cole: why is miss tall-horse here anyway?
Sid: because, unlike you, i know precisely where to find the cheeseburger...
Eva: how did you even find out about it? Even the cats only know of it from legends...
Sid: through years of research and study, of course... And some bribing, cajoling, extorting, and threatening here and there...
Eva: ....right..... And what exactly did you find?
Sid: the location of the cheeseburger, as i said, and.../takes out piece of parchment/... the sigil of its guardian order
Eva: /rolls out parchment/  
Spoiler:
 
 .....interesting....
Torg: hey, i think the flora is thinning out...
Sid: ....do you even know what that word means?
Torg: sure....it means.....stuff...
Sid: You are a tool... I hope you know that.... It is thinning out though...
Eva: /looks up from the parchment. Sees this/  
Spoiler:
 
......you must be kidding me...

/As they finally get out of the woods, they find themselves in a huve parking lot filled with cars, and a big ass mall complex on its other side.../

Cole: ....so..... This is it?
Sid: it would seem so
Torg: i wonder what kind of enemies await us...
Eva: according to cat legends, only the best of the best were chosen to be the guardians of the cheeseburger, and only those with special tokens that proved their worth were given one.... And you have to arrive at the right time of the day to even have a chance of being granted one...
Torg: .....wow....
Cole: look at how many people there are here... Must be adventurers and stuff trying to get it too...
Sid: im not entirely sure about that, minion... They seem awfully ill-equipped for the task... Most of them have barely more than basic clothing...
Torg: ....most unsettling... I doubt they would drop any good loot...
Eva: well, no use standing around. We've come this far, so move out!


And so, our adventurers are about to face their greatest trials so far.... Will they pass this merciless gauntlet and get their prize, and write history? Or will they be cast down into the abyss of oblivion, doomed to be nothing but a footnote? Stay tuned, for episode 14, of The Internet Chronicles! /Que undefined theme music/


Authors note: The author would like to make it clear that neither he, nor Nazamroth Industries is affiliated with, or sponsored by McDonalds in any shape, way, or fashion..... Yet...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-20, 17:34

Let it be known that i did not forget about this thing. Its just that i write it in the night and recently my nights go like "work, early sleep, some anime, repeat". I should get around to doing the next episide at some point...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-23, 20:07

After a long and perilous journey, our heroes/thieves/mass murderers finally have their goal in sight: the fortress housing the cheeseburger... What trials await them inside? Will they find their prey? Will it find them? Will they even make it out alive? Do i even have any idea what i am doing?
Find out all this, and more, by reading episode 14, of The Internet Chronicles! (now only $9.99 per episode, or $5 a month for a subscription with unlimited access to all Nazamroth Industries releases)

Torg: well, no point standing around here and staring at it all day. Onwards!
/With that, the whole party falls in step as epic music starts playing from nowhere. They approach the mall in slow motion as more and more people take notice of the large, armored guy with a giant shield, the soldier armed to the teeth(seriously, he might have C4 hidden in them for all i know!), the assassin skulking in their shadows, and....Eva... Somehow the "little girl" armed with her SMG seems entirely in, and out of place among this bunch of weirdos...
As they get closer, a small crowd forms, staring at them uneasily, as a group of security guards exit the building, blocking the entrance.
Cole: well.... I think they may have noticed us... Whats the plan?
Sid: i dont know... My reasearch yielded nothing on what to do once here...
Torg: ....Torg smash?
Sid: no smash! Bad minion!
Eva: well, guess we'll just have to handle this with respect? Maybe? I mean there is nothing that says that they would instantly attack us...
/The guards decidedly look worried... Especially since this is not that specific country where even squirrels run around with miniguns/
Eva: /as they near the guards, she think for a few seconds, then bows, followed by the others/ ...Oh, guardians of the Cheeseburger, we have come to prove our worthiness, and earn the right to claim it.
Guard: ............what?
Eva: The cheeseburger. We want to prove ourselves in your gauntlet and claim the cheeseburger.
Scrub: ....boss? ....i think these are a bunch of cosplayers? Maybe?
Guard: ....oh... Now listen, i dont know where the hell you came from, but here you dont go around swinging guns and knives left and right, even if they are props. If you want to go in, hand them over.
Cole: .....whats a "prop"?
Sid: ....so the trials will have unarmed combat....
Torg: hellno! I have been collecting this stuff for ages! I wont just hand them over to anyone to take!
Guard: .....how about we lock them away in a safe? Would that suffice?
Sid: ...that seems....acceptable...
Eva: come on torg. Dont tell me you dont want to see this thing through at this point....
Torg: /grumble mumble/
Guard: this way.
/They are lead inside the comfortably cool interior, heading for a back area./
Guard: alright, lets see the goods
/Eva puts the SMG down on the table, then pulls out the revolver that looks ridiculously large in her hand, and hands it to the slightly shocked guard...it looks way tok large even in his.../
/Next up is Sid, handing over a small pile of knives, daggers, a minni crossbow, and such/
Guard: ......./getting more and more worried/.....is that all? /Picks one randomly out of the pile/
Sid: it is... Be careful with that dagger...it will kill you in 3 seconds if you so much as touch the blade...
Cole: .....Siiii~iiiid....
Sid: ....what?
Cole: no cheating. Hand over the rest, or ill be forced to touch you all over to find it...
Sid: ..../mumbles threats and hands another one over/ ....satisfied?
Cole: ....almost... /Pulls one out of her hair and tosses it on the pile/ ....now i am...
Sid: if you are so thorough, lets see what you have!
Cole: ..../shrugs and starts unloading... The final count is.... 2 assault rifles, pistols, knives, a disposable AT rocket launcher, 5 frag grenades, some smoke grenades and flashbangs, C4, claymores, and other minor stuff.../
Guard: .......seriously, these props look awesome...
Cole: .....i still have no idea what "props" are... Torg?
/Everyone directs their attention to a rather panicked looking Torg./
Eva: ......Torg? Your weapons.....
Torg: no! You can't make me do it!
Eva: yes i can. I am the boss, in case you forgot.
Sid: listen up, minion! Either you can do as she says, or you can live the rest of your miserable life as a eunuch slave!
Torg: ...../whisper to Cole/.... Whats a eunuch?
Cole: /sigh/....she says she will cut your balls off...
Torg: /after careful consideration of the advantages and disadvantages of having ones balls intact and attached to ones body/ ....fine.... /Looms menacangly over the guard/....but mark my words, guardian.... If a single one goes missing, i will find you, and there will be no place or warrior powerful enough to protect you....
Guard: /gulps/....right...
/He starts unloading his inventory.... By the time its done, theres barely and space left in the room....you could arm a small army with all that loot!/
Guard:.....i.....think ill just lock the entire room instead...
Eva: now, we have done what you asked. Please direct us to the cheeseburger now...
Guard: .....which one?
/Looks of shock and astonishement/
Sid: there are more than one?!
Guard: ......uhm.....yeah? There are two fast food restaurants and a bunch of smaller places that have it...
Eva: ....this is bad.... How do we know which one.... Wait.... Thats it!
Torg: whats it?
Eva: this must be the gauntlet! We have to find the real place in here!
Sid: clever....... They are very clever..... But how do we know which one it is?
Eva: ...no idea...
Cole: for now, lets just split up and start looking... We can meet up at that water fountain over there once we have some actual intel...
Sid: minion, you prove to have a good excuse for continued existence each day...
Cole: ....what did she just say?
Eva: good thinking...
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-02-23, 20:13

Hehehehe, it's still funny even though I knew that would happen
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-03-04, 19:28

Notice: protocoll and prices are from a fictional world, and a messed up one at that.


The conclusion of the epic jouney draws ever nearer... Well... More like sub-avarage, but whatever... Our manslaughtering criminal quartet gathers at the agreed-upon fountain to discouss their findings and course of action, drawing quite a lot of attention from passers-by... Because of the looks, not the manslaughtering...

Eva: okay, this is not good... There are way too many possibilities in this place...
Sid: agreed... We need some method to filter out the fake ones, but my research gives no clues how... And why does your muscle have such a smug expression on his face?
Torg: im gonna let that one go... And in case you're interested, i found it
Sid: ....you? Of all the people here, only you, the one with the mental capacity of an oar managed to figure it out.... Why do i have my doubts...?
Eva: Told you already, anything is possible when these two are involved... Just for the sake of argument, how do you know that you found the right place, Torg?
Torg: they have a big sign with the sigil of the cheeseburger at the entrance.
Cole: now thats a decoy if i have ever seen one...
Eva: ........not neccessarily.....
Sid: What do you mean? They couldnt make it more obvious even if they tried...
Eva: but you said you had to do extensive research to find that sigil. We sure never heard of it and we had all the information that cat kingdom and the wiki lands could provide. What if the test is knowing the sigil, and thus the right place?
Cole: If you put it like that.... Pretty much all the places i checked out had some sort of simbol above them... They are always different, but none of them was like ours...
Sid: ....we might be on to something here... Minion, lead the way to the place!
Cole: could you tone down the attitude, princess? Its getting annoying...
Sid: /in a flash of movement, she has her knife at his throat.... Or at least would if it hadnt been confiscated..../ how did you find out about my lineage, minion?
Cole: /pushing the hand away as they begin walking after Eva and Tor/ what, you actually are a princess? /Chuckles, then sarcastically/ Please excuse this humble servant's insolence, your highness...
Sid: continue laughing if you want to wake up drowning in your own blood...
Cole: How.... refined...
/Meanwhile at a table they left behind/
Random person A: dude, what are a bunch of cosplayers doing here?
R. P. B.: i heard them talking stuff... Apparently, they cant decide where to buy burgers...
R. P. A.: ...oh... Life is tough, man... And thats a serious decision...
R. P. B.: Amen to that...

/Meanwhile, or party arrives to the McD#####s. What? I have to be careful with lawsuits too, y'know.../
Eva: okay, the sigil seems to be the right one... Lets go ahead, i guess? Its not like we're going to get any smarter anyway...
Sid: alright... How to go about it though?
Cole: based on my observations, people stand in line, then are asked some questions... Then they get things... I guess we have to pass a test?
Eva: well... Wait. We can increase our chances of success if we try separately. Everyone stand in a different line.
/They nod as they each occupy a position... The first one to reach the counter is Cole/
Cashier: greetings, how can i help?
Cole: I want the cheeseburger.
Cashier: .......right....which type?
Cole: ..... /Keeping his calm despite the rising panic, and trying to come up with the right answer/.... The legendary one.
Cashier: ......sir, i do not know what you are speaking of, but please figure it out a before entering the queue. You are holding a lot of people up...
Cole: /visibly disappointed, he leaves/ ....i have failed my mission...
/The others exchange nervous looks... Next up is Sid/
Cashier: good day, ho
Sid: /grabs cashier by his shirt and yanks him forward/ now listen up, you can either stop playing games and give me what i want, or i will start playing my games on you... Have you ever heard the sound of a bone being pulled out of its joint?
Cashier: /panicked/ S-SECURITY!
/A dozen guards swarm the place and quickly subdue and remove the unarmed Sidone... Much to the amusement of others in the queue... Which leaves only Eva and Torg to get their objective... Eva is up next.../
Cashier: uhh.... You aren't going to attack me too, are you...?
Eva: sorry about that... She is a bit...... "special"...
Cashier: i see... So... What can i get you?
Eva: the cheeseburger.
Cashier: a single, normal cheeseburger?
Eva: ...../pondering/........yes.
Cashier: alright, that will be X.XX
Eva: ..../Suprised at the materialism of these supposed noble guardians, she produces that much in gold coins/
Cashier: .....uhm... What is this?
Eva: ...what you asked for
Cashier: /inspects coins/ ....well.... I dont know where you come from, but these sure arent accepted anywhere around here...
Eva: ....but.... These are accepted everywhere...
Cashier: ...not here, they're not...
Eva: ...great...
Cashier: ...try going to a currency exchange first maybe? Theres one around the corner...
Eva: ....thank you for the guidance, guardian. I shall return... /Leaves/
Cashier: .....wierd bunch...
/Eva grabs and drags Tor out of his line just before he could get his chance, much to his displeasure, then meets up with Cole nearby/
Cole: apparently, they took our favourite assassin to an interrogation chamber...
Eva: of course they did. She broke the rules. Nevermind her now though. I figured it out. We need to pay that guardian over there and he will give it to us!
Torg: then what are you waiting for?! We have money.
Eva: yeah, but he said our money is not accepted here.
Cole: but its accepted everywhere...
Eva: here is not part of everywhere, it seems. Anyway, we just have to exchange some for their currency. He said there is a place to do it nearby. Follow me.

/One trip later, a small woman enters the exchange flanked by a soldier and armoured muscle... Much to the dksmay of the alarmed employee.../
Eva: good day. We were told that you can exchange some of our money for local currency.
Employee: ah....foreigners?
Eva: ....maybe?
Employee: ...right... What currency do you want to trade?
Eva: this. /Produces some gold coins/
Employee: ......./inspects coins/....... Never seen one of these before... I dont even think it is real currency...
Torg: of course its real goddammit! I bought her gear with those!
Employee: ....right.... That will not happen here... And since i cant identify these as any sort of valid currency, i am not allowed to accept it...
Torg: oh for fucks sake... Coming all the way here on a quest, and then we cant finish it because they dont accept the universal currency here...
Employee: sorry, thats the rules. I dont even have an exchange rate to go by anyway... You could try selling it in the pawn shop, i guess...

/One trip later, they enter the rather cluttered pawn shop/
Eva: Hello? Anybody here?
Shopkeeper: Yes, yes. /Comes out from between racks/ how can i help you?
Eva: we were told that we could get some of the local currency here.
Shopkeeper: well, certainly, as long as you have something to sell...
Eva: Torg, produce loot.
Torg: No.
Eva: Cole, talk some sense into him.
Cole: /bashes Torg's head into the wall/
Torg: Still no.
Cole: well, i tried
Eva: /sighs/ ....you two.... Fine, you sell something and we ride a firefox back home. Deal?
Torg: .....hm..... But nothing high end... I like my loot to stay in my possession...
Eva: fine, fine, just get on with it...
Torg: /rummages around for a bit, the produces a plate chestpiece/ ...this is the Armor of Terrorscream. It emits an omnious aura that causes those of weak minds to flee in terror before the wearer even does anything. Additionally, it also provides excellent protection, both physical and elemental without hindering the user too much.
Shopkeeper: hm.... 5 bucks is best i can do... I have to make a profit, you know...
Torg: ....how much is that in gold?
Eva: i dont care. It is enough for our purposes. Deal.
Shopkeeper: pleasure doing business with you.

/And now, back at that specific fast food restaurant... We are joined by the guest star: Sidone Maximmilliane de LaCroix!/
Torg: they let you go?
Sid: why wouldnt they? Since when are threats reason enough to lock someone up?
Cole: maybe they realised how high your status is...?
Eva: ...what?
Sid: another word and you will have outlived your usefulness, minion... Now what have you been up to while i was gone?
Torg: oh, this and that... We were just about to get the cheeseburger, you know, just the usual...
Sid: ....have i bashed your head into a wall yet today?
Cole: took the liberty to take care of that while you were busy elsewhere
Sid: ...good. I might still have to do it for good measure though...
Eva: could we just get this over with?

/Stands in line/
Cashier: greetings, how...oh, its you again. Any luck with the exchange?
Eva: indeed. I have acquired "5 bucks". This should be enough, yes?
Cashier: sure. One cheeseburger, right?
Eva: Yes.
Cashier: /hands it over/ here you go, plus the change. Have a nice day.
Eva: /walks back to the others/ .....i....have it.... Im holding it in my hands.... At long last.... We have done it...
/A moment of silence as realisation sinks in.... Then congratulations and happiness and shits... And (from the outsider's view) seemingly uncalled-for celebration/


Is this the end of their journey? Well of course not! Reaching the top of the mountain is just half the job! Now they have to make their way down without getting brutally maimed and murdered along the way... Where am i going with this metaphor? I have no idea! Is this even a metaphor?
Well whatever, dont muss the final(?) episode of The Internet Chronicles!
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PostSubject: Re: The Internet Chronicles   2015-03-13, 19:52

There, just outside the entrance of McD*****s, our heroic party is busy celebrating their victory.... They did it... They have the cheeseburger in their hands... They did the impossible, became the very best, like no one ever was... Now all they had to do is get back to the cat kingdoms and claim riches and fame beyond measure... Of course, we all know that something bad always happens in situations like this....

As our quartet is celebrating, a man walks up to them.
Man: Congratulations! You are the 1,000,000th visitor!
Torg: ....what?
Man: Claim your free MyPad by using this mobile hyperlink! /Offers a fist sized rock with glowing blue runes and lines/
Cole: ....whats a MyPad?
Woman: /from behind them/ A 53 year old wife figured out a $5 trick to get rid of wrinkles! Dermatologists hate her!
Sid: ......good for her?
Woman: use this hyperlink to find out how she did it!
Eva: .......guys...? I think we are being sorrounded...
/And indeed, more and more people are gathering around them, all offering such things and their hyperlinks..../
Cole: lets get out of here before it gets worse...
Eva: agreed. And dont let them touch you with those stones. Who knows what will activate them and where they lead. Torg, you have tons of inventory space, and will probably be the last to die. You hold on to the cheeseburger if its the last thing you do!
Torg: alright, lets get this party star..... I dont have any weapons....
.....
/Realisation hits them as more people start blocking their escape/

Torg: i knew we shouldnt have left our weapons there!
Eva: we'll discouss that later! Now use head of yours to figure out how to get to our gear!
Torg: /After a few seconds of deep thought/ I've got it
Sid: ....this should be good...
/He braces himself, then, with a mighty roar, charges headfirst into the crowd, taking them by suprise, and bulldozering his way towards the security room/
Cole: ....well... Thats one way to use your head...
Eva: after him!
/They made it all the to the security area with this method, leaving a trail of stomped people behind/
Cole: great, now how do we get inside? I assume this door was meant to keep people out if they locked our stuff in here.
Sid: leave that to me, most insolent of minions... /She produces a lockpick from a hidden pocket/
Eva: i thought i told you not to break their rules
Sid: /gets to work/ this is not a weapon. I did not break any rules... .....there, done.
Cole: well, arent you a bit too good at thievery, princess...?
Sid: one more word and you stay outside, grunt.
Torg: leave the lovers' quarell to after we get out of here! Now inside and secure the loot!
/As he finishes that sentence, a man pops up in front of him seemingly from nowhere, offering ways to increase ones measure of manliness.... He is quickly integrated into the building by the an armoured fist... They then pile into the room, and start picking up their stuff after locking the door behind them/
Cole: alright, so whats the plan on getting back to the cats?
Torg: ......uhm?
Eva: considering that we have not followed a single step of the plan to get here after the whole Chrome incident, i think the plan back might as well be non-existent. We'll have to figure it out after we get out of here.
Torg: ....guys?
Sid: excellent. Another well though-out operation...
Torg: seriously...
Eva: like you had any better plans. You only had the sigil...
Torg: hey!
All: what?!
Torg: /points at floor/
All: /looks at floor. Its covered in glowing runes and lines... Looks back up with "fuck" written all over their faces as they all disappear in a flash of light.../


Eva opens her eyes and blinks a few times after the flash is gone. She finds herself in a dimly lit room with nothing in it. Its only feature is a sturdy door... Well, it was sturdy at some point... Now its shattered and torn off its hinges... She cautiously makes her way to the door, weapon at the ready, as she starts looking for the others. Beyond the door, theres a corridor, seemingly going on forever and branching off in some places. It is lined with many, many more similar doors, some similarly destroyed. Soon, she starts hearing a familiar voice, growing louder as she advances.

Torg: heeeey! Anybody there?! Mister guards?! Im hungry!
/Reaching his room, she looks through the bar-ed(?) window of the door to see a rather pale looking Torg in a room similar to what she was in... With a lot more facial hair than she remembered..../
Eva: uhm.... Torg?
Torg: Eva! You gotta get me outta here! I have been locked up in here for ages! I ran out of food like.... A week ago!
Eva: what do you mean a week ago?! We just got here!
Torg: yeah, and i probably just ate all that bat meat and the rest in one sitting and then started starving all of a sudden. Now will you get me out of here or not?!
Eva: .....riiight.... Why didnt you just break out?
Torg: because that door is frikkin indestructable! Nothing works on it!....and i cant find titanbreaker anywhere...
Eva: .....uhm...../looks around/.....i guess you never noticed this key hanging left of the door?
Torg: of course i havent noticed! I have a hand sized window for crying out load! All i can see is the opposite wall!
Eva: right right right.... /Gets key and unlocks door/....see? That wasnt so hard...
Torg: yeah, not so hard from the outside... Now, on to more important matters.... Do you have food?!
Eva: ....../sigh/....here, have the bat meat from that cave... Not like im ever going to eat it...
Torg: /starts devouring the bats/ I love you, Evaline of no title!
Eva: .....you're only saying that because i just gave you food... Now, where are Cole and Sid?
Torg: /finishing up/ how should i know? I was locked in there. They havent passed by here, thats for sure.
Eva: alright... Get up, we have people to find... And an exit too...
Torg: right. /As they start walking/ Where are we anyway?
Eva: no idea. I told you, i just arrived.
Torg: how is that even possible. I have definitely been here for a long time...
Eva: lets worry about that later... /Spots something through the window of another door/ Wait...
Torg: what?
Eva: /looks imside. Sees a skeletin wearing a familiar looking uniform/ ....is that....
Torg: Poopfart? He finally kicked the bucket?
Eva: /taking the key and opening the door/ dont be so stricken...
Torg: /inspects skeleton/ i would say he has been rotting here for at least a few centuries now...
Eva: is such a huge time difference between us even possible...?
Torg: ....you are asking me?
Eva: ....good point...
Cole: hey, how did you guys get here?
Torg: he talks! His soul must still be bound to his corporeal body! Maybe he has unfinished business?
Eva: yeah... either that, or he is standing behind you...
Torg: /turns around and sees cole standing in a hole in the wall leading to the adjecent room. A few seconds later Sid appears too/ ....You're alive! ....guess thats why i couldnt find any loot on "your" corpse...
Sid: wait, you thought he was dead and your first thought was to loot his body?!
Torg: ....was that not clear?
Sid: ......idiots.... Idiots everywhere...
Cole: so how did you get here anyway?
Eva: the keys to the doors hang just next to them.
Cole: ....'nuff said... Our dear thief here has been trying to pick it for all the two weeks we have been here without success...
Sid: its not my fault! Im not even sure theres a lock mechanism in it at this point!
Cole: excuses, excuses... You guys want some pizza?
Torg: ....pizza?
Cole: yeah. Theres tons of it in the other room... The crap, frozen stuff, but hey, better than nothing...
Torg: goddamn right its better! I have been starving for a month!
Sid: a month?
Eva: time differences. Nevermind that now, we should get out of here... Wherever "here" may be...
Cole: right. Let me just pack up and we can be on our way.
Eva: .....whats with the skeleton anyway?
Cole: oh, thats just Bob. He is my official coat hanger.
Eva: ....Bob.... Do i even want to ask?
Sid: not worth the effort...

/Now free of their cells and reunited with their comrades, our brave heroes start advancing further down the corridor/
Sid: how did you two even get out of your cells?
Eva: mine didnt really have a door left. Then i found him. You know the rest.
Cole: this place seems pretty run-down...
Torg: yeah...
/Suddenly, the floor drops away under them as a trapdoor opens and they fall screaming to their doom... Or at least into an overly ostentatious room... On the far end, theres a large wooden desk with a swiveling chair turned away from them/
???: ich bin waiting for you...
/The chair turns around, revealing *him*/
Spoiler:
 
Torg: ....what the hell...
???: Mein name ist Doomscratch... /Strokes pet/ Firstly, ich do apologize for ze wait... Mein minionz messed ze whole abduction up! Zey were only meant to send ze ein with ze cheeseburger in ze first place... Und zey sent sie to ze wrong prizon... It took us quite a while to find sie...
Sid: .....what the hell is going on here...
Doomscratch: ....Let me explain... Ich want to rule ze world... But to do zat, ich need power... So ich devised ein clever plan... Send ein bunch of idiots to find me ze cheeseburger of legend, und deliver it to me... Unfortunately, ze plan got messed up, und ze abduction bekame required... Now.... Hand over ze cheeseburger before mein wrath descends upon sie alle...
/A horde of cat troopers swarm the room, pointing their guns at our heroes/
Eva: ...guys? Whats the plan?
Torg: we are going to kick their asses...
Eva: ...thats still not a plan...
/suddenly, sounds of struggle and shooting come from beyond the assembled Doomscratch forces. Within a minute, they are in disarray as a new foe struck from behind. Wasting no time, our mass murdering party jumps into the fray. Soon, only Doomscratch remains standing. Out of the new arrivals, a familiar figure emerges./
Councillor: excellent work, commander... Now then, Jinglebells
Doomscratch: so, it was ein elaborate ruse.... Und ich told sie never to kall me zat again!
Councillor: Friendly as usual, i see...
Torg: .....uhm....? Could someone explain what the actual fuck is going on here....
Councillor: and barbaric as ever as well, i see... Very well... You see, Jinglebells here is too manieth in line to be the realistic next heir of the family... So he wanted to force his way with the power of the cheeseburger... So he devised a plan... You know the rest... Or maybe you do not... Doesnt really matter... We knew of this, and were prepared... And caught him red pawed... Now then, men arrest him and take him to the dungeons... As for you four... Did we not send only three?
Eva: got some extra on the way...
Councillor: ...whatever... Doesnt matter... You have successfully acquired the cheeseburger, i assume?
Eva: indeed, we did.
Councillor: good. The prince is most eager to receive it... Of all things he forgets about, why did this idiocy have to stay in his head...

/A few hours later, our quartet is standing on one of the balconies of the royal palace. Below them, cheering crowds, fireworks and whatnot. Along with them on the balcony is the retarded prince, the cat council, theur honour guards, and a few servants. They are rather baffled by all the attention... Torg maybe a bit too much.../
Prince: Brave heroes! You have braved many a trial and succeeded where all other before you failed! /Crowd cheers/ ...It is with great pride, that i give to you all, the Golden Whiskers medal, reserved for the greatest deeds done for the cat kingdom! Additionally, a kings ransom, for being the wise ruler i am, i know that honor alone will not feed the hungry adventurer! Now, the cheeseburger, if you would...
Eva: Come on Torg, hand it over...
Torg: ....../rather stressed, he walks over and fidgetily hands over the wrapped treasure before returning.../
/The prince unwraps it with great haste, lifting it to his waiting jaws... In the few seconds during which she sees it, it vaguely occurs to Eva that the last time she has seen it, it was not quite so....grey.... Or angular ...or... Her thoughts are interrupted as the sound of shattering teeth pierce the cheering of the crowd.... Suddenly all goes silent... Then, as the pain hits, the prince screams into the silence as guards rush to his aid.../
Eva: .....thats....
Councillor: ......a half-brick?
Sid: ....why was there...
Eva: ........TOOOOOOOORRRRRG!!! Why was there a brick in place of the cheeseburger?!
Torg: .....well.... You know i said i was locked in there for a month...?
Eva: YYEEEESSS??!!
Torg: ....and that i ran out of food a few days ago...
Eva: GO OOON......
Torg: ....yeah....that last bit may or may not ....have been the cheeseburger....
Eva: .....you ate it.... You fething ate it... You ate what we suffered to get for so long... You ate it...
Torg: ....i was hungry... It wasnt that good though....
Eva: .........IM GONNA KILL YOU, YOU IMBECILE! /Withing a second, shes on him, battering him with blows to little effect.../
Prince: /between the pain/ arrest them!
Cole: .....Torg, you grab the girl, Sid, with me for the money! Move it!
/Quickly darting through the honor guards(thank god those are rarely actually good at fighting), they snatch the bags of money, then head back towards Torg, who now has a still furious Eva slung over his shoulder/
Sid: where to now?!
Cole: to the surfer station! We already ruined and robbed royalty, might as well borrow a ride too!
Torg: onwards!
/The three leap over the railing into the crowd below, smashing their way through the guards sorrounding the area, and disappearing into the city.../
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The Internet Chronicles
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